Today I am starting anew. After working hard for 6 months and feeling good about myself, I spent the last 9, basically ignoring and backsliding. Except I am currently in worse shape than I have ever been in my life. What used to be a guaranteed starting point for getting back in shape (often too slow) was actually challenging to me. This was disappointing.
Mentally, I am not there either. I feel stress and anxious all the time. I need to get back to where I was. Where I don’t snap at people, even though they deserve to be corrected. I am struggling because sometimes people don’t live up to the standards that you set for yourself. And for them that is ok. I need to be ok with that, when it is not my name on the line or my reputation, but sometimes I can’t accept it.
Additionally, maybe I should stop trying to avoid conflict for so long, maybe then things wouldn’t erupt and they could be taken care of in a better way.
I need to stop dwelling on things that I cannot control. That is a big problem, I am a dweller. And it doesn’t help. If anything, it makes things worse.
I need to worry about me. That is what I continuously tell my 9 almost 10 year old. And sadly, I know where his worrying tendency comes from.
I need to put one foot in front of the other, and focus on the future, and stop looking back.
And I need to look at who I allow to influence my children. Sometimes remarks that are said, maybe mean more than I have given them credit for. And maybe, they should have been addressed earlier. Sometimes when things spin widely out of control, the end result is good, but maybe there should have been a different turn along the journey to get there. I want my children to be loving and accepting of people. It is ok if you don’t believe in their lifestyle, if it doesn’t affect your life, why should it matter.
I want my children to be able to stand up for what is right and good. I want them to be able to ask and demand an answer if necessary. I want them to be better than I am.